Monday, May 17, 2004

one more step in the right direction. with all of this justin mess clouding my brain - and yes, there is more mess to speak of, dear god - i was able to come to one very obvious conclusion. it's time to get my head out of my ass and work on bigger, more important things.

i emailed my beloved friend jerry this morning to ask how he'd feel about seeing the capital of Wales (cardiff) in late september. i will heading to barcelona this fall to visit his little hacienda, and thought, since i have to connect in london anyway... then i promptly shot an introductory email off to the theatre school at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, where there exists the stage management post-graduate program of my dreams. because it's seven months intensive training and in WALES!!!! and because that's where richard and sean and lee have already sent their letters of rec.

so finally, i have re-motivated myself. i now remember what was so important i had to leave in the first place.

it was a strange weekend. emails came in larger quantity and greater frequency than i am used to from justin. he wouldn't tell me much, but all of this business that had me in such a tizzy was referred to as a "mess." it is not the happy news i thought it to be for him. something has gone horribly wrong. i just don't know what.

i think i would rather see him happy with someone else, no matter who, than see him hurt. if she hurt him, i will beat her. i did enough damage.

but enough. at least until i know something beyond the 8 million scenarios i have conjured up in my little brain.

i have also decided that i really want to see where things will go with boy whose arms i have spent the last of two month's worth of nights. he's wonderful and deserves better than i can give, but i will make him happy until the day my one-way flight for the uk takes off if i can.

now i must contemplate funding for this adventure. grants don't get handed out to international students very often. and oddly enough, in this case, that would be me. so i am looking at a $10K investment, roughly, to attend the school in wales. which compared to anywhere in london is a steal. so, i did something a little crazy today and applied to be an egg donor. that's a third of the cash right there. if they'll take me...

probably means i am really gonna have to watch what i eat for a while, but so far i have managed to keep the pounds off that i got rid of...

also looking very forward to the next two weekends. next week i get to cut loose, indulge a little and head out with dryden to see hybrid. maybe i'll where my edinburgh shirt to commemorate the event. then i'll come home and attack my boyfriend - or just rub his back until he just can't take it anymore.

then next friday nikki g and i (and case hopefully if i get him moved in time) will be on our way to FLA to bask in sunshine (or fry in my case, but i don't care) and escape our big city lives for a couple of days... mmmmm. hope i can remember which flavor of boone's used to be my favorite...

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

i have three little words that i learned last night can pull me from any slump:


holy mother hell, that was so much damn fun! and i just watched. and drooled - guess you can take the girl outta the Circus but you can't get the Circus outta the girl (njg, that was for you - "I am getting my Circus pin-ups confused!").... no machines, kids. there's a live band. complete with lots of long, golden, mike-tramp-like tresses.

white lion. in case you were confused. mike tramp. of white lion.

a live band that is talented, no less. and hosted by the british guy from the local redneck rock station. and as frightening as it sounds like it has the potential to be... some of these freaks were right up there with the gay bar karaoke-ers. i have learned that there is no fucking around when it comes to karaoke in gay bars... not in this town, anyway. there were people on that stage at the ten high (below the dark horse) who woulda put axl to shame even when he still had his dignity and his appetite voice.

some 11th grade english teacher tore up "Highway to Hell" - like bon scott resurrected. i swear to god i was 12 again - minus the ripped acid wash jeans, black fringed boots and led zeppelin t-shirt - and in hair metal nirvana.

dryden forwarded an email late last week to me where he had been invited to check this out. "We should check this out." My reply: "PLEASE! CAN WE?"

quite possibly the most un-gay thing we've ever done together, and now we're trying to decide what we want to sing next week. there are no real proper duets on the list, but i am pulling for some heart or some runaways. after all, you don't have to sound good to mimic whats-her-name (sherry something?) singing "Cherry Bomb."

ah, good times.

Monday, May 10, 2004

still can't shake the trauma of justin marrying lisa. or them having a baby. i don't know which one of those blades is the sharper, just that both still sit firmly in my gut where they were first plunged.

try as i might, i can't really cry about it. at least, i haven't been able to yet. sure, i think about something - like the thought that i must now officially mean not shit to him - and i feel my eyes well up. my jaw gets tight. my bottom lip trembles. but then a dam goes up and i just can't fucking cry! if i could just have one more really good breakdown about it, it might not cure the syndrome, but it'll help me purge some of this shit that makes my stomach ache and my body weary - like a bad case of the flu.

this morning i started what was to be this entry. it was a failure, so rest assured you are not reading the fruit of this morning's labors... the idea was to write down a list of the zillions of memories, both good and ill, that were sitting in my head and dump them into print. y'know. since i can't purge it with crying, why not writing. after all, it seemed every song on the radio was "Don't Look Back in Anger" (or at least it is right now, dammit) - and how appropriate. maybe someone is telling me something.

janis joplin - is that you? are you my guardian angel? i always suspected!

sorry - i don't know where that came from. where was i????

so i started writing about things like when he played my favorite XTC song for me for the first time. like when we both took off work early to spend an afternoon together, and we spent the whole time making love on a twin bed while listening to disintegration. like how on the worst day of the abortion process, i barely saw him because he had band practice and we agreed that we couldn't let on that anything was wrong. i knew we had to pretend like everything was normal, but god i needed him there with me... whether his brother lived next door or not. like lisa saying to me, "but don't you miss that? don't you miss him? don't you still love him?" - or something like that - only days before he would speak to me, harshly, for what will probably be the last time. now.

i always felt under-appreciated by justin. and now i find myself in this new relationship with this beautiful human being, who i know i underappreciate. i love him, but i fear i love my freedom more. i have let myself get carried away again.

or i am just so freaked out that justin officially doesn't love me anymore, and i must always be proof that we always want what we cannot have. no - i really feel like i didn't give him a chance to fix things and i gave up too easily. we'll chalk this up to another big ugly learning experience, shall we?

in the meantime.... in other heidi news....

i must go to the uk. but it just feels more and more overwhelming every day. saving the money. am i talented enough to go to grad school there? i can barely keep my bank balance in the black; what the hell makes me think i can survive on my own in a foreign country with no one? but i have to do it. it's ultimately why i left him and i cannot have done it in vain.

i think , therefore, that the grad school app will go in the mail ASAP anyway. as will the l'arche application. i don't care what i have to do to get there.

that is, of course, unless any of you know any hot and available british/scottish/irish men that might wanna make it easier on me and just marry me. ha ha

no, seriously. jerry?


17 days until florida with nikki and blake and some other ou folk. a much needed break from present reality and regression into the glory of the not so distant past.... i even !gasp! bought a new bathing suit for the occasion. i haven't bought a bathing suit since my senior year of high school (that's 9 years if you are trying to do the math). that's how much of a weight complex i have had. i cannot tell you how excited i am to leave atlanta and my six million jobs behind, if even for a weekend. plus, good things always happen when i am with those guys.

68 days and counting until i bid farewell to turner, jet off to NYC with my cousin tami (who's crazy, so we should have a blast), and then settle back into the world of non-profit theatre administration. there i will further contemplate how to afford this future i have mapped out for myself. in 90 minutes, that 68 will become 67.

and i am going to see jerry in september. but i'll celebrate when the tickets are purchased.

in spite of all this that i have to look forward to.... i still feel like crawling in a hole to die. hopefully when casey drags my sorry ass out to metal karaoke tonight, i'll feel a little better...

Monday, May 03, 2004

those of you who know me and have done so for a while, might remember a boy named justin. there was a span of about 4 years many of my beloved, dear, patient friends spent waiting for me to realize he was not my future. and i finally did, as i had done times before.... god bless all of you for enduring me during those days.

you will all forgive me as i now freak the fuck out at a little information that was shared with me this weekend by a mutual friend. first - some background.... justin, if you have somehow found this site, i am sorry. you may never speak to me again, and that will be fine.

june of last year i finally ended 3 and a half years of what should have stopped at 2 and a half. lots of reasons, i won't bore you with them now... he took it hard, but i needed the space. i was pretty cold. but i still loved him. and deep down i thought maybe we'd both grow up and find each other again someday...

shortly after, his best friend was dumped. justin promptly started sleeping withthe ex or vice versa or something. it makes me nauseous to think about too much. she and i were friends. she told me they were seeing each other and i was fine with it for a while. but she said she wasn't in love with him. maybe she was telling the truth. maybe she was sugar-coating it for my consumption. who knows. but then he said they were in love and i lost my mind briefly. that was january.

may 1. heidi hears they are pregnant... keeping it... getting married. we'll not be growing up and finding each other after all.

i always heard, i don't believe in marriage. i don't want kids. for almost four years. nine months and he's ready to jump into both with her. guess i wasn't good enough. or maybe better her than me. who knows....

now i really have to go to england.