things i'd like to say to a boy, but know better, so i'll spew them here:
(and then hopefully, this chapter will close forever)
don't do me any favors. and don't you fucking dare try to make me feel like anything that happened between us is solely my fault or that it's anything i need forgiveness for.
drunk or not, i did NOT start it, i simply and happily played along. there's nothing that occurred that we were not equally responsible for.
i am, in fact, doing you the favor by even wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt and attempting to rebuild what little friendship we had established on the overgenerous amount of trust i allowed myself to grant you. and after the COMPLETE FUCKING WHORE you have made me feel like every moment since that i have thought about it, YOU ASS!!!
you must insist that we speak only as friends? you pompous fuck! do you think for one moment any woman in her right mind would want to be with someone who made her feel like that? who ran like a scared little boy like that? maybe a friggin' masochistic psycho... no, you're right. every woman loves a man who completely disregards her feelings altogether. puh-leaze. you've so obviously proven what a great boyfriend you have the potential to be - you fucking GIT!
i wish i didn't miss who you were before all this so much. i wish i could have faith that that guy still exists, but i know better. and i wish you weren't the best kisser in the entire world.
thank you all for listening.
ok - let's start again. a huge knot appeared in my stomach and the shock had to pass. i was actually just beginning to love elliott smith the way i love jeff and mark kozelek... the way i was just discovering mr. buckley when he went away.
so other notable occurrences of the past 20 days or so...
ang and i are going to scotland in march. my fencing class is awesome, but it's gonna whoop me. and i heard from the boy.
you know the one.... all the way back to post number one. i have failed to report since said first post that i have been in some semblance of contact with him now three times since the greatest and worst weekend of my life. he said he felt weird, remembered very little of what transpired... something like explaining himself. i felt better. not good, but better.
boy: well, there is a certain point past which I have no recollection of what happens
boy: and then I just wake up somewhere
trixievw: hmmmm....
boy: it's like christmas! It's always different
trixievw: that happen recently?
trixievw: you don't have to answer that
boy: no, I never blacked out
boy: but I do feel weird about what happened
boy: but I do feel weird about what happened
trixievw: i understand - i could tell
boy: (by the way, by waking up different places, I mean like on my friend's floor)
trixievw: (i know -)
later i sent a hello and then for weeks, nothing. i thought i was beyond it. and then a mass email arrived with my name amongst those in the "to" field. i replied and asked if he meant to send it to me. his response was yes - unless i didn't want him to and how was i?
ok - how are you. then i prematurely hit send before i could say anymore. this morning, against my own better judgment, i sent this:
"hey... i know you're busy.
i just wanted to tell you that i really just miss talking to you. a lot.
i know we can't go back... but it'd be nice to try.
talk to ya later?
heidi"
i can't help but think maybe he is not out of my life. i don't know how much of that is because i don't want him out. but i don't know how much control i have... i don't want anything more than my friend back.
i still stand firmly by being single - it's too soon after justin to start anything else. i haven't experienced anything yet... my life has just begun. there are so many things out there, and i just hope i am not gonna screw it up. and i hope i am not gonna make anyone else feel like i do in the aftermath...
it's thrown my whole week off. i just want it right again. though, realistically, i don't know if it can be.
the new travis album is fantastic. non-believers should at least check out the last two songs... i can't stop hearing them.
i just wrote an excruciatingly long post only to lose it. i am very sad. but alas, i start again.
the application to the school in wales has now moved from my desk to my bag, though it remains incomplete. utter discouragement hit me early this week when i took a second gander at the tuition so i might try and budget for next year. $17,000. were i a resident of the UK, $7,000. being of welsh descent is, unfortunately, insufficient.
so i was feeling pretty shot down earlier this week. but then i decided i would apply anyway and see what happens. obviously something is pulling me there. so maybe it will all magically pan out. won't know if i don't try, right? (i am full of cliches today)
the plan for today is to contact lee, my wonderful college director, and send a reminder to the lovely mr. richard garner of georgia shakespeare festival and "gonna write me a rockin' letter of recommendation" fame, so that i may bring said application one step closer to completion.
i also plan to start on my "grad school in the states" back-up plan. BAMA (sorry, michael!) and VA Tech. if i have to go in the States, i'll get to britain eventually. i have to. it's my destiny. i know it.
in other news, i am going to see my new favorite band to obsess over three times before the year is out. i got my placebo tickets for atlanta and i am so excited i might explode. i feel like such a teenage girl - and it feels amazing. i'll see them in vegas next month with alexis, my oldest friend, then here in the atl, and then katherine and i are going to go to follow them up to dc and catch them there and crash on her sister's floor - maybe. maybe crashing. definitely following placebo.
i just heard - seconds ago - that elliot smith committed suicide yesterday. i now remember what i felt and where i was when i heard jeff buckley had died. i can't write any more at the moment.
so the application is sitting right in front of me.it looks simple enough. except the question, "do you speak Welsh?" i find that a tiny bit unnerving - i can say Wales in Welsh - that's about it...
that and these guys only ask for one reference. the University of Alabama asks for three. who to choose.... in whose hands to put my fate. i make it sound so ominous, huh?
each day this job drains another drop of life from me and i think - i gotta get my ass in gear. must not procrastinate. must not use the "i'll get to it when the show closes" excuse. so, hear it goes. by this time next week, this application will be ready to go off to cardiff.... my future home.
