Friday, June 25, 2004

i can't believe i haven't posted before now. yes, i realize that for the most part i am pretty slack about all this. but, honestly people, if i wrote as often as i am truly moved to, none of you would read this. i rant about too much of the same as it is.

so let's begin today's stream of thoughts with this: it has been entirely too long since i last had sex. especially the really good kind complete with filth and dirty talk... the kind that leaves a mess on the sheets... the kind where i forget there is a world outside that can hear me screaming at the top of my lungs words so interrupted by grunts and groans as to render them indistinguishable... the kind where that's just from the foreplay... i know there are boys out there capable of this. they're mostly arrogant fools, but that's ok as long as they don't wanna talk after. c'mon, boys...

despite that ever-depressing fact, an event last weekend has shaped my entire week and brought a new light to my life. hold your groans (of displeasure this time), kids. it's not gonna end like you think.

her blatant dedication to her job forced ang to bail on us for the keane show last friday. the ticket was already purchased and - in that lovely ticketmaster way - completely un-refundable. so, who to ask? lost on ideas, i abandoned the topic for a few minutes to peruse the blogs of my beloved(s?). as i happened upon mr. gallagher's i saw mention of the word swervedriver. i had no idea anyone who wasn't justin even acknowledged that band's existence.

in fact, we hit every record store in every town of our rock and roll tour of england 2002 looking for a swervedriver cd that they didn't even have IN ENGLAND. (they're a british band - i can see where the magnitude of this point could be overlooked without that pertinent bit...)

i digress.

our entire time in scotland (ang and myself) i couldn't help but feel strange that he wasn't there with me. i just missed him. i realize that i have said it 8 million times... that i am not sure i miss being his girlfriend, but i do miss his presence in my life. it does feel like i sent one of my best friends packing. and hell, let's be honest, while he may not have been that well-understood or chummy with any of my other friends, he's still the great love of my life. yep. it's true. you all know it. no matter how badly i needed out of the relationship to go enjoy being independent - no matter how much i tried to convince myself otherwise so i could do just that - it is still fact that i have not loved anyone the way i loved - the way i love - him.

damn, i am as bad as a drunk driver - there was a story here somewhere i was getting to, huh?

so, scotland. keane. thought justin would like them. it's the way that cherub singing sounds like freddy mercury when he reaches those intensely emotional parts of choruses and the fact that most of the music is ingeniously coming from the keyboardist - also a cherub, might i add. i love musicians entirely too much. why is that simply being a musician can make a boy so damn hot? i know what you're thinking, but i think it's some sort of pheromone because i have fallen for many without knowing of their artistic status, as it were, up front.

focus, heidi. focus.

from somewhere i conjured up the extra gall i needed (is that the right word? - FOCUS), called his brother for a phone number, then called him and asked if he wanted to go in ang's absence. his acceptance damn near knocked me to the floor.

i will not give myself the numerous opportunities to again stray from the subject at hand by inundating you all with "holy shit they played my favorite song and it's not even on an album" and "justin thought the cellist in the opening band was a hottie even without his glasses and couldn't really see anything but her silhouette" details. let it suffice to say the show was amazing. as was the Tower Records in-store the next afternoon where i was a total dork who felt she just had to tell them that she saw them in scotland and they were better than travis. such a fucking dork. me. such a fucking dork. (didn't we use to make fun of casey for this kind of storytelling - i seem to recall... nevermind).

being around him very quickly felt natural again. once we got on familiar subjects - his family, mine, mutual friends - it was suddenly as if little time had passed. we hadn't physically seen one another in almost six months. he spilled about what had occurred, which i will not divulge here. while it was a theory, i had not theorized on its effect on him - something i suspect he didn't even completely let on to me. but i could feel it.

post-show i drove him home and stayed for tea. we ended up talking for hours. nothing more. but i can't describe and do justice to the relief i experienced as i unloaded every thought of every detail that i had ever wanted to share with him over the year since i left. to tell him the truth about what happened with my new year's breakdown. to tell him i never stopped loving him, but that i just needed to be free. to disclose my secret hope (not so secret now) that we'd grow up to find our time had finally come. ugh. this sounds like a bad soap script... he accepted everything i had to say. he, as i am sure his current situation would normally dictate, was unsure of everything. but the important points of the evening/morning were these:

the trust has been re-established, i think. a foundation for it at the very least. he now knows that i wasn't trying to sabotage his relationship.

the friendship has been salvaged. he said he missed that. corny, though it may sound, there is little in this world as important as that to me right now.

in saying goodbye he made a gesture that transcended any kiss or embrace or touch or word he could have given me. i know now i have not lost him forever. how odd how quickly things like this can make a 180.

so there's that.

there are a few other developments in my life that have taken place over the last 14 days or so (in some cases more, but they are finally starting to hit home just now)that i realize may be noteworthy:

1. i ended things with the good boy. we all knew it would happen. let's not pretend to be surprised. honestly, if i were meant to be in a relationship right now, i would never have left the love of my life in the first place.

2. two weeks and counting until my last day at turner. an evil being inside my soul, small though he may be, cannot wait until the first call comes through on my cell phone where i get to say, "sorry, charlie. i don't work there anymore. you'll just have to read the directions clearly printed on the side of the box and change your own damn toner." that will, of course, happen while i am standing in line for something in the middle of nyc. it will feel so fucking good.

3. dad's garage. for four years i have given my blood, sweat, and tears to it. as have many people. and many of us have done it while waiting eons for what little compensation (other than the sheer joy of being a part of it) we do receive. yet if you read the gazillion news articles circling about town about sean's departure for california, you'd honestly think he'd done it all single-handedly. stupid fools. he's been gone as far as i am concerned.

4. my lazy ass has not made any further progress on england. that's a goal for next week.

5. i think i really am a work-a-holic. is there a place i can go for that?

6. lollapalooza was cancelled. the devastation will not be too much to bear as long as the curiosa festival remains in tact. here's praying that pj harvey comes to atlanta again anyway.

7. 18 days and counting til nyc! woo hoo.

on that note.... i end with this thought. belle and sebastian are good. but there truly is such a thing as too much, people. should you ever start your very own british rock station, please keep this in mind.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

there are times
when my crimes
would seem almost unforgivable....

that's the soundtrack for my reattempt at a post for today. there is so much in my head right now, and i apparently was not going the proper route to purge it.

i am not sure if it's one of those weeks where i just don't like myself or if i just don't know myself. i am completely disgusted and frustrated with myself these last few days and i just can't seem to piece it together.


cos apparently i am deaf to my better judgment. yep! it's another situation i have gotten myself into and can't seem to fight my way back out of. i hate how easily distracted i am. i am compassionate to a fault it seems, getting myself trapped in other people's feelings and not heartless enough to sacrifice theirs for my own. he's a wonderful person, but i can't do this. "this is why they always blow up, heidi! you bottle it up til the pressure builds and it can't be contained any longer," my brain tells me. then it starts thinking about all the other people i really want to sleep with... how can you people stomach me?

i tried to break it off. then he said what basically amounted to "just because you want to date other people doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other." and that made sense. i thought. but now i suspect that that was his own personal "i'll give you whatever you want if it'll keep you around." i don't need that again. yet i always seem to fall for it. so, no open relationship. once the time is right - t minus three days - i am simply putting it out of its misery. and mine.

i just have to wait until the film fest is over since i bought us passes for his birthday. ugh. what a mess i am.

is there not a boy out there that i can just sleep with? maybe go get a beer or catch a movie with, no other strings... who doesn't automatically assume that just because i like having sex with him that i want to be his girlfriend, good or bad... i would think that that would be every boy's dream. but they all get so worked up over it or intimidated. or they are just awful in bed. wtf???????


this week is also all about 1)body issues, 2)money issues, and 3) what the hell am i doing with my life issues.

there are moments when i wonder if i have some sort of disorder. i have lost a lot of weight. anywhere between 35 and 40 pounds depending on what time of day it is, really. i look so much healthier than i did. i am sure most people will attest to that. and there are days where it makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. then there are days like today, where all i can see are the bulges where they shouldn't be... where all i can do is obsess over how unhappy i am with my appearance.

this is not to say that i want to lose more weight. i do not wish to look like a stick. curves make a woman - i have always believed that. but i keep asking my friends to point out women with figures like mine so that i have some concept of what i truly look like. after all, mirrors are never quite accurate. i swear i look different in every one i use. i try to make myself stop thinking about it, but that's the most important element in that vicious cycle, isn't it? if it's a disorder, is there a name for it? it can't be anorexia - i eat too much. and it can't be the pukey one, cos i don't puke. alas...

maybe i just need an ego boost. where is that cillian murphy naked at my feet professing his love for me that i ordered? oops, my credit card was declined! oh, well.

rambling like a crazy woman, heidi. careful or you'll be like that old man outside of Jake's downtown yesterday.

only recently has it occurred to me that i ain't so much about this adulthood nonsense. i cannot stand the debt, the doubt, etc. can i go back to college now?

i suck at posting. i am certain my friends agree.

this week has been jam-packed with heidi nonsense. this week is the atlanta film festival, and oh joy am i having fun! that is, of course, in spite of issues that will surface later in this post. i have seen a surprising number of duds this year, but they have been balanced with a number of pieces of pure brilliance. last night we hit the experimental shorts montage, only one of which really impressed me, and then a film called Bomb the System that should hit theatres in september. who knew a film about graffiti artists could kick so much ass? highly recommended... as is the british film Bright Young Things and a Japanese film called Bright Future.

next year i think i may try to concentrate more heavily on the international films like Bright Future. it never ceases to amaze me how when i see something like Bright Future i get - not frustrated, what is the word? - flustered? - flustered with how the stories are structured so differently from what i am used to with american cinema. god, that sentence sounds almost haughty. yuck! what the hell is my problem - sorry!

ok - example. with Bright Future so many points of the story go completely unresolved; some are never even really explained (unless it just flew right over my noggen). these random things just occur, the story never really comes to an end - a lot like life, not a lot like the movies. i would be more specific, but hopefully some of you will see it someday and who am i to ruin it?

so, basically, i get flustered and realize i have to un-condition myself as a moviewatcher. i was going somewhere with that, but my train of thought apparently just derailed.

in addition to the film fest, this week is also another show-a-rama week. monday night i made a mad dash from the cinema to mjq for a show that was moved from the echo lounge because they got shut down temporarily, and then i had to wait another hour and almost a half in a hot, overcrowded, poorly-ventilated room for a show that i then proceeded to daydream my way through. can you call it daydreaming if it's 11:00 at night? now - read those last two sentences really quickly. that's how they were in my head as i was writing them.

tonight i am catching the decemberists - hopefully at the echo. then tomorrow is the grand prix race to see one of my new favorite bands - KEANE. i first saw them open for travis in scotland. originally determined to be upset that they were not jason falkner (who opened for travis in the u.s.), i left a believer. i am pretty sure i have spoken of them here before: no guitars, voice of an angel, brilliantly executed "piano in a rock song" phenom that turns me on like nothing else can (save a man brushing my hair)... the only thing that scares me is that i went to three stores yesterday looking for the new album (all i have is a single) and it was sold out at every one. i hope they don't ruin them here like they did coldplay.

so, i am unhappy with this post thus far. bored with it. thus, i am abandoning it, leaving it here, starting over... sigh...

Thursday, June 03, 2004

exciting excerpts from the past two weeks:

(and in no particular order other than that they are spit from my brain - boy, THAT made sense!)

1. fernandina with nikki and dryden and blake was just what the doctor ordered. ok, well i am sure the doctor wouldn't have told me to not reapply my sunscreen after playing in the ocean, but in spite of the random splotchy sunburn that looks more like a rash i brought back as my sole souvenir, the trip was still one of the best weekends i have had in a while.

no boones, lots of vodka. blake's parents, amazingly hospitable. like a b&b, but free. nikki, please know that truthfully, my ass is soooo much bigger.

we ended up playing a very different version of mystery man. instead of the names-of-rock-stars-and-boys-in-our-lit-class variety, we played the look-up-gay-porn-stars-online-and-see-if-blake-can-guess-which-ou-student-it-is version. dick wolf, we salute you.

i also learned that my blog portrays me as nikki's friend who has a lot of sex. if only...

2. i decided i had nothing appropriate to wear to my friend nicole's wedding. side note: there really are A LOT of nicoles in my life. so odd. like jamie's in high school.

anyway - so i went dress shopping with all the money i didn't spend in florida. i decided since it is an evening event i can get away with a black dress. and with my strategically-placed sunrash it would need to be a halter dress at that. i found the perfect selection - at gap no less. i can't believe i just admitted that i bought something at gap. ugh.

but more importantly, i bought a dress at gap and it was a size 4. god bless them. and it looks damn good if i do say so myself.

now, i am not a size 4. i still very much possess a size 10/12 ass. but i guess with the dress, my waist was all that mattered. i have to say, my favorite part of my body has always been my waist. good waist! i love you.

and dr. atkins. i don't care what they say. i love you, too. dude! size 4!!!!!!!!!

3. blondie and lollapalooza. both my birthday weekend. i might lose my mind.

4. hybrid was awesome. except for that part where i put the other half of my roll in my back pocket and it crumbled to a dusty, useless mess. so sad.

i also got to tell one of the hybrid guys about seeing them in my beloved edinburgh - and then i had a revelation. after telling him very boringly that i saw them at the liquid room, he then told me about a row that started with some jackass in the crowd at that show throwing a pint at the singer. i missed this at the show, but i was, as we can all imagine, in a world all my own. it was then that i remembered the crazy, slightly older, yet strangely attractive, very scottish gentleman who kept insisting he was going to have to go home with me because his friends had been bounced for starting some fight and he had no idea where they had gone. suddenly everything was clear.

in case you're wondering - and you may be, who knows - i ditched him as soon as his friends called his cell phone and he stepped out so he could actually understand them, swearing he'd be right back and asking me to stay put. even his charm and continued reassurance of my "quite lovely"-ness - about the only thing i could make out through his combination accent/drunken slurring - were not enough to keep me from my pursuit of the purple-haired angel that will always be my little dylan, who i had already spotted at the bar.

can we please go back to scotland now?

5. i get to go see late night with conan o'brien! july 15. my cousin tami and i are heading up to nyc for the hell of it. well, for me it's to celebrate my release from my corporate confines. but alas...

6. finally - one statement. "there's nothing that woman could do to hurt me anymore." didn't see that one coming - wait, that's a lie. maybe just not so soon.