when my crimes
would seem almost unforgivable....
that's the soundtrack for my reattempt at a post for today. there is so much in my head right now, and i apparently was not going the proper route to purge it.
i am not sure if it's one of those weeks where i just don't like myself or if i just don't know myself. i am completely disgusted and frustrated with myself these last few days and i just can't seem to piece it together.
for starters, WOULD SOMEONE OTHER THAN MYSELF PLEASE INSTITUTE A BAN ON SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS FOR ME? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET IT THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING I WANT RIGHT NOW IS A BOYFRIEND IN ANY FORM?
cos apparently i am deaf to my better judgment. yep! it's another situation i have gotten myself into and can't seem to fight my way back out of. i hate how easily distracted i am. i am compassionate to a fault it seems, getting myself trapped in other people's feelings and not heartless enough to sacrifice theirs for my own. he's a wonderful person, but i can't do this. "this is why they always blow up, heidi! you bottle it up til the pressure builds and it can't be contained any longer," my brain tells me. then it starts thinking about all the other people i really want to sleep with... how can you people stomach me?
i tried to break it off. then he said what basically amounted to "just because you want to date other people doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other." and that made sense. i thought. but now i suspect that that was his own personal "i'll give you whatever you want if it'll keep you around." i don't need that again. yet i always seem to fall for it. so, no open relationship. once the time is right - t minus three days - i am simply putting it out of its misery. and mine.
i just have to wait until the film fest is over since i bought us passes for his birthday. ugh. what a mess i am.
is there not a boy out there that i can just sleep with? maybe go get a beer or catch a movie with, no other strings... who doesn't automatically assume that just because i like having sex with him that i want to be his girlfriend, good or bad... i would think that that would be every boy's dream. but they all get so worked up over it or intimidated. or they are just awful in bed. wtf???????
grrr.
this week is also all about 1)body issues, 2)money issues, and 3) what the hell am i doing with my life issues.
there are moments when i wonder if i have some sort of disorder. i have lost a lot of weight. anywhere between 35 and 40 pounds depending on what time of day it is, really. i look so much healthier than i did. i am sure most people will attest to that. and there are days where it makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. then there are days like today, where all i can see are the bulges where they shouldn't be... where all i can do is obsess over how unhappy i am with my appearance.
this is not to say that i want to lose more weight. i do not wish to look like a stick. curves make a woman - i have always believed that. but i keep asking my friends to point out women with figures like mine so that i have some concept of what i truly look like. after all, mirrors are never quite accurate. i swear i look different in every one i use. i try to make myself stop thinking about it, but that's the most important element in that vicious cycle, isn't it? if it's a disorder, is there a name for it? it can't be anorexia - i eat too much. and it can't be the pukey one, cos i don't puke. alas...
maybe i just need an ego boost. where is that cillian murphy naked at my feet professing his love for me that i ordered? oops, my credit card was declined! oh, well.
rambling like a crazy woman, heidi. careful or you'll be like that old man outside of Jake's downtown yesterday.
only recently has it occurred to me that i ain't so much about this adulthood nonsense. i cannot stand the debt, the doubt, etc. can i go back to college now?
posted by trixievw @ 1:28 PM
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