try as i might, i can't really cry about it. at least, i haven't been able to yet. sure, i think about something - like the thought that i must now officially mean not shit to him - and i feel my eyes well up. my jaw gets tight. my bottom lip trembles. but then a dam goes up and i just can't fucking cry! if i could just have one more really good breakdown about it, it might not cure the syndrome, but it'll help me purge some of this shit that makes my stomach ache and my body weary - like a bad case of the flu.
this morning i started what was to be this entry. it was a failure, so rest assured you are not reading the fruit of this morning's labors... the idea was to write down a list of the zillions of memories, both good and ill, that were sitting in my head and dump them into print. y'know. since i can't purge it with crying, why not writing. after all, it seemed every song on the radio was "Don't Look Back in Anger" (or at least it is right now, dammit) - and how appropriate. maybe someone is telling me something.
janis joplin - is that you? are you my guardian angel? i always suspected!
sorry - i don't know where that came from. where was i????
so i started writing about things like when he played my favorite XTC song for me for the first time. like when we both took off work early to spend an afternoon together, and we spent the whole time making love on a twin bed while listening to disintegration. like how on the worst day of the abortion process, i barely saw him because he had band practice and we agreed that we couldn't let on that anything was wrong. i knew we had to pretend like everything was normal, but god i needed him there with me... whether his brother lived next door or not. like lisa saying to me, "but don't you miss that? don't you miss him? don't you still love him?" - or something like that - only days before he would speak to me, harshly, for what will probably be the last time. now.
i always felt under-appreciated by justin. and now i find myself in this new relationship with this beautiful human being, who i know i underappreciate. i love him, but i fear i love my freedom more. i have let myself get carried away again.
or i am just so freaked out that justin officially doesn't love me anymore, and i must always be proof that we always want what we cannot have. no - i really feel like i didn't give him a chance to fix things and i gave up too easily. we'll chalk this up to another big ugly learning experience, shall we?
in the meantime.... in other heidi news....
i must go to the uk. but it just feels more and more overwhelming every day. saving the money. am i talented enough to go to grad school there? i can barely keep my bank balance in the black; what the hell makes me think i can survive on my own in a foreign country with no one? but i have to do it. it's ultimately why i left him and i cannot have done it in vain.
i think , therefore, that the grad school app will go in the mail ASAP anyway. as will the l'arche application. i don't care what i have to do to get there.
that is, of course, unless any of you know any hot and available british/scottish/irish men that might wanna make it easier on me and just marry me. ha ha
no, seriously. jerry?
kidding.
17 days until florida with nikki and blake and some other ou folk. a much needed break from present reality and regression into the glory of the not so distant past.... i even !gasp! bought a new bathing suit for the occasion. i haven't bought a bathing suit since my senior year of high school (that's 9 years if you are trying to do the math). that's how much of a weight complex i have had. i cannot tell you how excited i am to leave atlanta and my six million jobs behind, if even for a weekend. plus, good things always happen when i am with those guys.
68 days and counting until i bid farewell to turner, jet off to NYC with my cousin tami (who's crazy, so we should have a blast), and then settle back into the world of non-profit theatre administration. there i will further contemplate how to afford this future i have mapped out for myself. in 90 minutes, that 68 will become 67.
and i am going to see jerry in september. but i'll celebrate when the tickets are purchased.
in spite of all this that i have to look forward to.... i still feel like crawling in a hole to die. hopefully when casey drags my sorry ass out to metal karaoke tonight, i'll feel a little better...
posted by trixievw @ 3:16 PM
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