so let's begin today's stream of thoughts with this: it has been entirely too long since i last had sex. especially the really good kind complete with filth and dirty talk... the kind that leaves a mess on the sheets... the kind where i forget there is a world outside that can hear me screaming at the top of my lungs words so interrupted by grunts and groans as to render them indistinguishable... the kind where that's just from the foreplay... i know there are boys out there capable of this. they're mostly arrogant fools, but that's ok as long as they don't wanna talk after. c'mon, boys...
despite that ever-depressing fact, an event last weekend has shaped my entire week and brought a new light to my life. hold your groans (of displeasure this time), kids. it's not gonna end like you think.
her blatant dedication to her job forced ang to bail on us for the keane show last friday. the ticket was already purchased and - in that lovely ticketmaster way - completely un-refundable. so, who to ask? lost on ideas, i abandoned the topic for a few minutes to peruse the blogs of my beloved(s?). as i happened upon mr. gallagher's i saw mention of the word swervedriver. i had no idea anyone who wasn't justin even acknowledged that band's existence.
in fact, we hit every record store in every town of our rock and roll tour of england 2002 looking for a swervedriver cd that they didn't even have IN ENGLAND. (they're a british band - i can see where the magnitude of this point could be overlooked without that pertinent bit...)
i digress.
our entire time in scotland (ang and myself) i couldn't help but feel strange that he wasn't there with me. i just missed him. i realize that i have said it 8 million times... that i am not sure i miss being his girlfriend, but i do miss his presence in my life. it does feel like i sent one of my best friends packing. and hell, let's be honest, while he may not have been that well-understood or chummy with any of my other friends, he's still the great love of my life. yep. it's true. you all know it. no matter how badly i needed out of the relationship to go enjoy being independent - no matter how much i tried to convince myself otherwise so i could do just that - it is still fact that i have not loved anyone the way i loved - the way i love - him.
damn, i am as bad as a drunk driver - there was a story here somewhere i was getting to, huh?
so, scotland. keane. thought justin would like them. it's the way that cherub singing sounds like freddy mercury when he reaches those intensely emotional parts of choruses and the fact that most of the music is ingeniously coming from the keyboardist - also a cherub, might i add. i love musicians entirely too much. why is that simply being a musician can make a boy so damn hot? i know what you're thinking, but i think it's some sort of pheromone because i have fallen for many without knowing of their artistic status, as it were, up front.
focus, heidi. focus.
from somewhere i conjured up the extra gall i needed (is that the right word? - FOCUS), called his brother for a phone number, then called him and asked if he wanted to go in ang's absence. his acceptance damn near knocked me to the floor.
i will not give myself the numerous opportunities to again stray from the subject at hand by inundating you all with "holy shit they played my favorite song and it's not even on an album" and "justin thought the cellist in the opening band was a hottie even without his glasses and couldn't really see anything but her silhouette" details. let it suffice to say the show was amazing. as was the Tower Records in-store the next afternoon where i was a total dork who felt she just had to tell them that she saw them in scotland and they were better than travis. such a fucking dork. me. such a fucking dork. (didn't we use to make fun of casey for this kind of storytelling - i seem to recall... nevermind).
being around him very quickly felt natural again. once we got on familiar subjects - his family, mine, mutual friends - it was suddenly as if little time had passed. we hadn't physically seen one another in almost six months. he spilled about what had occurred, which i will not divulge here. while it was a theory, i had not theorized on its effect on him - something i suspect he didn't even completely let on to me. but i could feel it.
post-show i drove him home and stayed for tea. we ended up talking for hours. nothing more. but i can't describe and do justice to the relief i experienced as i unloaded every thought of every detail that i had ever wanted to share with him over the year since i left. to tell him the truth about what happened with my new year's breakdown. to tell him i never stopped loving him, but that i just needed to be free. to disclose my secret hope (not so secret now) that we'd grow up to find our time had finally come. ugh. this sounds like a bad soap script... he accepted everything i had to say. he, as i am sure his current situation would normally dictate, was unsure of everything. but the important points of the evening/morning were these:
the trust has been re-established, i think. a foundation for it at the very least. he now knows that i wasn't trying to sabotage his relationship.
the friendship has been salvaged. he said he missed that. corny, though it may sound, there is little in this world as important as that to me right now.
in saying goodbye he made a gesture that transcended any kiss or embrace or touch or word he could have given me. i know now i have not lost him forever. how odd how quickly things like this can make a 180.
so there's that.
there are a few other developments in my life that have taken place over the last 14 days or so (in some cases more, but they are finally starting to hit home just now)that i realize may be noteworthy:
1. i ended things with the good boy. we all knew it would happen. let's not pretend to be surprised. honestly, if i were meant to be in a relationship right now, i would never have left the love of my life in the first place.
2. two weeks and counting until my last day at turner. an evil being inside my soul, small though he may be, cannot wait until the first call comes through on my cell phone where i get to say, "sorry, charlie. i don't work there anymore. you'll just have to read the directions clearly printed on the side of the box and change your own damn toner." that will, of course, happen while i am standing in line for something in the middle of nyc. it will feel so fucking good.
3. dad's garage. for four years i have given my blood, sweat, and tears to it. as have many people. and many of us have done it while waiting eons for what little compensation (other than the sheer joy of being a part of it) we do receive. yet if you read the gazillion news articles circling about town about sean's departure for california, you'd honestly think he'd done it all single-handedly. stupid fools. he's been gone as far as i am concerned.
4. my lazy ass has not made any further progress on england. that's a goal for next week.
5. i think i really am a work-a-holic. is there a place i can go for that?
6. lollapalooza was cancelled. the devastation will not be too much to bear as long as the curiosa festival remains in tact. here's praying that pj harvey comes to atlanta again anyway.
7. 18 days and counting til nyc! woo hoo.
on that note.... i end with this thought. belle and sebastian are good. but there truly is such a thing as too much, people. should you ever start your very own british rock station, please keep this in mind.
posted by trixievw @ 11:55 AM
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