the heidi chronicles

Funny how things always come to me as I lie down to sleep at night, not quite able, with just the sound of ilya's breathing to surround me.

Wound up from this insane book I am reading, and inundated with thoughts of the looming (yet beautiful and glorious) marriage that is now a mere 4 months away and counting? I began to trace my steps and figure out - as mr. byrne so eloquently puts it - "well, how did I get here?"

Me, the girl who - and this blog is most likely your best evidence - swore off relationships and just wanted to explore the wide world of sexual freedom... engaged to be married, willingly, and not to a rock star or a tortured artist as one might guess, but to a lovely man who's about to have his doctorate in MATHEMATICS! (Sorry, comrade. I meant STATISTICS!)

Let me tell you how. That other world can be really fun to visit, but you get tired of it after a few months...

What will follow is yet another open letter, composed mentally, to a few past - let's call them acquaintances. I'll try not to make this abhorrently sex and the city-ish, but I have to say, these boys taught me a lot I didn't know about men, both good and bad. And they sure made me grateful for what I got waitin' for me at home every night - that is, a lover, a friend, sometimes another momma, and a man completely obsessed with computer games that simulate WWII but will forsake them all to come brush his lady's hair when she has a headache.

(If you're reading this, comrade, I love you. But you might want to stop reading now.)

Dear #16 and #9:
(come to think of it, #s 10, 11, and 13 you might pay attention to this too)

Whether you like it or not, you are all hopeless romantics. And that is not always to your benefit or to your advantage, as it's not that looking for love kinda romanticism. Rather it's that expecting it kind accompanied by the misconception that all women want the same thing. Sorry, boys not always the case.

I tell you this not to sit and admonish or pass judgment or point fingers, nothing like that. I simply wish to let you know, you?re totally making it harder on yourselves.

This issue has been addressed here before, but for your sake and those of sexually liberated and simultaneously frustrated women everywhere, here it is again. Pay close attention, boys.

Just because a woman sleeps with you does not mean she wants more. It occurred to me throughout my brief experiment, the one I refer to as seeking out a f*** buddy, that it was simply unfathomable to any one of my subjects that I could ever just want to sleep with them. Or much less that once I had that I would not fall immediately and madly in love with him.

Quite the opposite, I am afraid my lovelies, is true. Just ask #17. I was nuts about him UNTIL we had sex. Sadly it was all downhill from there (and after that there wasn?t much further downhill to fall, to be honest.) And you Mr. 11 - I almost decided that this didn't apply to you at all being as I was crazy about you - and I do mean crazy - for the 5 hours or so leading up to things, but boy did the next morning sober my ass up!

Sorry, now I am just being mean. I digress...

So it would also seem that you get agitated if we sleep over afterwards. As if you have this suspect notion that we're plotting to slip you love potion in your sleep or anticipating that all it will take to win your heart is to see us lying beside you when you wake from your slumber. Aware that I can't speak for all women, as some may very well have said motives, I going to admit that I just stick around hoping the morning might be seen as one more opportunity to get it on.

Except in your case, artist boy (#13) - you just wore my ass out. A girl cannot drive home like that. Yet in your defense, there was never a question as far as you were concerned that I should keep a toothbrush on hand. Eight years of waiting was pretty much worth it I have to say, in your case. We had some serious fun, and I commend you for that, but in your unique case, well, you snooze you lose. If you'd only taken advantage of the situation a little more often, but I also understand your position given our bizarre history.

To my primary addressees, however - yes, that would be you mr. rock star (16) and you mr. I-think-I-am-a-rock-star (9 - I believe Battle Royale has infected my brain) - seriously, boys? you two really mucked this up. If you've been out with a woman any number of times over the course of a few months and nothing much has happened beyond some beers and some naked, you'd have to think we were pretty stupid to assume it might ever be more than that. Trust me, if we want something else we'll either ask for it, hint for it, or just damn give up after a while and say no when you ask us over. (But don't get your hopes up. I told you each no that last time because I was either bored or involved or - well, read the next paragraph and that'll really clear it up).

And when you do finally clue in that if you're just having fun then she probably just wants to have fun, don't let that be your cue to start treating her like a whore. There is nothing wrong with a sexually liberated woman! Casual sex can be a beautiful thing if you let it be? requiring only that everyone involved understands that that is just what it is. Consider this a blessing. Treat it as an honor and a privilege and the goldmine that it is. Isn?t this like a man's holy grail? Sex without strings? Be appreciative and not condescending. Women who know what they want tend to be smart women, and we know when that switch gets flipped and for whatever reason you start treating us like we're filthy because we aren't trying to snag you in a relationship net. I am sorry if it bruises your ego, but well, you know what they say about having your cake, huh, baby?

It seems that in the 14 hours or so that have passed since I was drawing this up in my brain, some of it has been lost, but nevertheless-

Again, this wasn't meant to be a rant. Or accusatory even, for that matter. Just a ? let's call it a recommendation.

And a thank you.

A thank you for this: I spent four years (almost) with #8. And I loved him deeply, but I'd never truly been free to explore that side of myself. 1-6 were all pretty much serious relationships both requited and not, and #7 was just a dumb mistake. There was something in the world I seriously thought I was missing out on.

Now I know the only thing I was missing out on was a handsome comrade who likes Kurosawa films, playing with formulas, and who is indeed a joy to love.

Sincerely,
heidi


PS - while I have you guys here, figuratively, of course, let me address a few others in my amends before marrying effort?

#3 - I am sorry I was such a shitty girlfriend. I really expected way more out of you than was fair. Might I add, you were an amazing lover for having never so much as kissed a girl before me? wow!

#8 - Thank you for still being in my life. I am sorry if I ever hurt you, but- well, you know all this. With the exception of my to-be husband, you really are the great love of my life.

#10 - Sorry about that stupid letter I sent. Hindsight being 20/20? damn, that was dumb. But thank you anyway for a lovely, lovely memory. And for letting me be te one to give you your sendoff...

#12 - I handled this very poorly. I know you claim there's nothing to be forgiven, but there really is and should you realize it, I hope you still can. It's nice to know some nice girl out there has figured out what needs to make you a happy boy.

#-1 - because it only happened in our heads, and in our hearts - and that I am sure has always been for the best, just as you said... None of this applies to you. You coulda schooled these boys - But I wanted to acknowledge here anyway, since you probably read this.

posted by trixievw @ 1:33 PM